Yeah… Really.. I’m not.. I’m the same scum as most of the inhabitants of this putrid planet.
Man it’s been a while since last time I typed anything.
My long absence has been because of life. Life, as we all know, tends to throw the occasional curve-ball.
Doesn’t have to be a bad thing. But usually it’s unexpected. And honestly… I’m in a rather foul mood these days. I try to keep a lid on it, but every now and then it slips out. Luckily nothing big yet. So that’s what I have been doing mostly… Coping.
But it would be nice to just feel calm, centered and happy again. It’s been so long since I could say I have been honestly happy. Bente gave me that happy feeling for a while. But that didn’t last, sadly. And now I’m back to being so damn angry all the time. I know a lot of it has to do with me regretting so many damn stupid things, from so far back I can’t even remember all the details. But I remember how it felt, and that is more than enough. Felt, and still feel. Angry, and hateful.
Angry and regretful, I get. Most of us feel anger and regret of some sort. It’s the “hate” part that bothers me mostly. I don’t feel there’s any reason for it to be like that. And because it has such a presence in me, I try to live as good a life as I possibly can. I have great friends, great colleagues, a fantastic job, and even my own apartment! In fact, the only thing I really have to worry about is transforming the second bedroom into nerd heaven, and that darn leaky pipe that randomly trickles a few drops of water every now and then.
And yet… I still can’t feel as good about all this as I should. This has been my dream and goal for a long time. So the question becomes: Why can’t I feel good about this? I have been asking myself this question for a while now. And the only answer I can come up with confuses me: There’s so much great going for me. But I miss all the stupid times. I actually miss all the things that would have made my life completely miserable. So what is this then? I have no idea.
A youtube vlogger I saw the other day, put in words something that not only harmonized with me, but also clicked in to place, like a piece to a puzzle: The thoughts I have that I think are unique to me, are also the the thoughts that separate me and make me feel lonely, isolated from others.
That’s not a direct quote. He said it far more eloquently than I ever could.. But yeah.. It feels fairly accurate…. I hope to meet the person with whom I can relate with.
Talk about a first world problem.
Meh… Enough bitching and moaning… I’m off to bed.
